ABA Set to Enforce List Totals

 

    Let's face it—the birding community has always had a great big elephant, or perhaps an elephant bird, in the room: birders who cheat. Sure, most of us walk the line, recording only the birds we are certain we've seen or heard, letting those occasional "big ones" get away, and always endeavoring to count only the species we are certain we have seen or heard and correctly identified.

    And yet, every year, as surely as the loons precede the geese on the checklist, there are those among us who always seem to be just a little too far ahead. You know what I mean...you're an active birder, you're in the loop, you read the e-mail lists and get the text messages. You're ready at the drop of a hat to tell the boss you've had a family emergency and head out on an impromptu cross-country odyssey as soon as the news of that next new bird hits your smartphone. Whenever anything avian that's even the slightest bit unusual shows up, you're there.

    Sure, every so often you have just the teensiest little tyrannulet-sized bit of trouble remembering birthdays, anniversaries, trash pick-up day, credit card billing dates, and the names of your children, but rare birds...you never forget those.

    You're the Rain Man of rarities, the encyclopedia of extralimitals, you erupt over irruptives, and you're deadly serious about casuals.

    But each time you surf to Listing Central, there's Stanley Stringer or Sally Shaky-Call, always two or three or fifteen hundred birds ahead of you in the list totals for the area, state, country, region, parish, patch, province, or prefecture that you aspire to own.

    Three words: It ain't right. No, four words: It just ain't right. No, five words: It just ain't ... okay, four words. You were there at the possible Great Black-headed Gull that turned out to be a Ring-billed with a bean dip can stuck on its head. You showed up at the reported Siberian Accentor site, knowing from the get-go that it was highly unlikely that there was a pair of them and that they were building a nest in the awning of a local strip mall. And that's not even getting to the real accidentals. You saw all of those. Every. Last. One.

    But you never, never, not once ever, saw Stan or Sally. Not at the Christmas Count, not at the bird club meeting, not on a boat, not on a train nor with a goat. You were there. They weren't. How on earth is it that they nudge you out, year after year?

    You know how. Go ahead, say it. They cheat. Cheat! Cheat-cheat-cheat-cheery-up-che-deedle-CHEAT!

    In most sports, they have referees. Heck, even dog or cat shows have judges. Until now, birders have had no one to make sure that we're all on the up and up. Enter the ABA Listing Police.

    A brave team of men, women, and incredibly lifelike cyborgs. Highly trained. And all dedicated to making sure that not only are our ducks in a row, but our flycatchers are in a column. And all our check marks are exactly where they ought to be.

    This spring, when you bird your local wildlife refuge, state park, sewage ponds, or rendering plant, expect to see them there, fearlessly confronting those who would count the less than certain or claim the not-quite-fully documented.

    Those found to be in violation will be penalized. Minor misidentifications will have their lists docked 10%. More serious frauds may result in fines, censure, shunning, and, in extreme cases, hat brim removal. That's right...your Tilly will be turned into a fez. Everyone will know.

    We at the ABA are pleased to provide this service. Gone are the days of simply knowing each other, having a sense of shared responsibility, and, in the final analysis, believing that each birder's list was his or her own and that it was ultimately all about fun and enjoying the beauty and excitement of birds.

    The ABA Listing Police. We're watching you watching birds.

Comments

[Mark Stevenson]

Very timely. At least today.

Since the "cheaters" won't be in the field, how will the List Police police them?

[Alexandria Simpson]

Hehe, not fooled this year! The past two years, I got fooled, but I wasn't falling for it this year. And the photo would've been proof enough, if I already wasn't fooled...looks so Photoshopped. As a graphic artist myself, it's easy to recognize. ;)

[Robert Mortensen]

Dang! I'm busted.

[Kevin Wehner]

Suggest buying a flock of drones too... maybe with heat-seeking missiles? Could cover more ABA areas that way.

[Paul]

Fun stuff, I enjoyed the humor. On just a slightly more serious note, if eBird got rid of their "top 100" pages, then there might be just few less wishful thinking reports in their "scientific" database ;-)

[John]

Brilliant!

[Nina Hansen]

I've always said that My List is MY LIST, and that if the ABA doesn't like it, they can send the List Police to my house to try to pry it out of my hands! And now, here they come! They'd best watch out, though, or I'll sick my feral cat on them!

[Birder57]

That was a delightful "essay." Ultimately the "cheat-deedle-cheaters" have to look at themselves in the mirror, and every time they see the rare bird's name, will have to know that they ain't honest. They gotta live in their own skin. But just think: if these folks didn't exist, we wouldn't have had the very creative essay above.

[Paul Riss]

As long as it's a game (competition), people will cheat. Stop making it a competition.
Just enjoy the awesomeness that is seeing birds both rare and not so rare.

Fun to read though.

[Madeleine McDonald]

Wow, read through this and was shocked at first, only to go back up to the date posted, "April 1st."
Good one, guys!

[D. Bruce Yolton]

How much of a donation to the ABA would I have to make to get the jacket and hat used in this photograph?